I haven’t had my music claw lubricated for a while. I’m not really one of those hardcore gig pigs. You know the cats I’m talking about; they’ve got the names, dates and locations of all the touring bands memorised. They don’t ask: “Are you going to see [name of band]?” they’ll say: “Are you coming to [name of band]?” – as if, in spirit, they’re already getting sweaty in the mosh and you’re running late.

I dig live music and I’ve seen some shows that made my loins tingle with pure delight, but there are some truly egregious staples of concerts that just make me want to pounce on people and bite their scalps.

I saw Jane’s Addiction at the Enmore Theatre t’other day. Jane’s Addiction is one of those bands I always seemed to just miss. Due to fiscal hardship, bad timing or just good old fashioned dog-arse laziness, our paths never crossed before.

Anyhoot – I saw them and it was a damn fine show but a few things bothered me:

#1 – They didn’t play that song. You know the one…

Side bar: For those of you not familiar with Jane’s Addiction, you should have a gander.  They’re now increasingly known as “the guys who sing the Entourage opening song” – Superhero off the album, Strays (2003).

I don’t know if having your song used as the opening credits tune for a hugely successful television show is a mark of shame for rockstars, but its absence was noted. Come on, Perry. You know the kids want to hear it! Hell, I want to hear it, where’s the love?

UPDATE THAT MAKES ME LOOK A BIT STUPID: Ummm… so, yeah, one of my mates who attended the gig with me mentioned that Janes didn’t play ANY of the songs off Strays as that wasn’t the line-up on stage. I GUESS I can look the other way there… but I really like that song. I’m all for musical integrity but when I drop $100+ I’d like to hear some of my favourite tunes, please.

A similar thing happened a few years ago, I went to a Radiohead gig (don’t ask) after sitting through what felt like several millennia of their “new direction” they sauntered off the stage without playing Creep.

Bewildered and pissed off, I turned to an ardent fan nearby and said: “They didn’t play Creep!”

“They don’t play that anymore,” the fan intoned, looking at me like I’d just stolen his microwave and tea-bagged his sister, “They haven’t played it for ages.”

“Well fuck them!” I exclaimed. “What’s this with bands getting all poochy and nuggety and not playing the songs that made them famous in the first place?! We’re there to be entertained, bitches, so sack up.” Then I stole the fan’s microwave and tea-bagged his sister. And she was really hot.

Readers’ Voice: That last bit… didn’t happen, huh?

[kicks dust, downcast] no…

Readers’ Voice: Thought you’d try to double dip that joke, dintcha?

[eyes wide and watery] yes…

Readers’ Voice: Okay, gimme a hug and promise to never do that again.

Okay. [we embrace]

#2 – The bullshit encore
I understand the fragile ego of the rockstar. Without a steady stream of screaming fans and drunken chicks exposing their tits how’s an artiste supposed to play?

So when the band goes off stage for the first time, I accept the bullshit encore – but let us all link hands and admit it’s a bullshit encore. You’re going to come back no matter what so don’t make me scream for 10+ minutes.

My tender throat meats are sore.

It actually ended up biting the fans in the arse on this occasion as after they left post bullshit encore the fans clamoured and wailed for another one a ‘real-and-for-true’ encore… to no avail! As the rabid screaming died down and the punters realized, nup – shows over – the cheers turned to boo’s. I didn’t join the boo chorus but I did feel rather shortchanged.

#3 – The mawkish segue-way/song intro
Perry Farrell is an incredibly charismatic stage presence. Rockstars seem to get to a certain age and they get all muscular and sinewy. Like Iggy Pop – they become “frontman jerky”.

That said, the ‘made-up-anecdote-to-introduce-the-song’ bit… just… no. Leave it be. Mr. Farrell introduced Been Caught Stealing with a bewilderingly directionless monologue about how he enjoyed oysters, liked Sydney and also flogs stuff, going so far as to imply the vest he wore was stolen.

Sorry, Perry, but that sounds a good deal like bullshit to me. Besides, we’re not watching you because you’re a dab hand at getting ‘five-finger discounts’ on menswear – it’s the stuff coming out of your noise hole we’re here for.

I think the worst example of onstage banter was Metallica. James Hetfield jumped around, crying: “HELLO SYDNEY!” Fair enough, but then followed that with: “HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ALIVE?!”

Um… what? Is he genuinely asking? Could it be Metallica are the living dead?!

To add insult to confusion he punctuated songs by yelling “SYDNEY!” at random, frequent intervals.

So, readers, do any of ya’ll have “douchey band moments” you’ve lived through? Shoot ’em on in, share the wealth.

Oh and for more rock goodies check out my interview with Anvil. I cried like a little girl during that movie Anvil: the Story of Anvil. Please to enjoy.

Side bar: the video interview is being retrieved and linked to. It’ll be up soon. Be cool.