Howdy,

that’s me - Ant – in the picture by the way. I guess it’s not really a “glassing” so much as a “bottling”. Anyway, the idea is this. Every now and then I put forward the statement – I’d rather [describe a physically painful act] than [describe something I really fucking hate].

Readers’ Voice: English, motherfucker, do you speak it?

Okay – I’d rather have a jagged, broken beer bottle shoved through my tender face meats than…

* Hear the phrase “game changer” ever again.

* Get told there’s an “app” for whatever my problem is. THERE CAN’T BE AN APP FOR EXISTENTIAL LONELINESS…*

* Watch another Michael Bay movie. Seriously. Can someone do something about this chap? His films suck; hyper, shallow toy commercials that go on for HOURS, feel like they were shot by a meth enthusiast on a bender and have more edits per minute than some entire films. “Don’t see his movies, then!” you say, cradling your Blu-ray of Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. Fine, but then he goes and creates a company, Platinum Dunes, whose entire mission statement seems to be remaking horror classics really badly! The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Friday the 13th, The Hitcher, The Unborn and A Nightmare on Elm Street - though he doesn’t direct them, his mere presence seems to stink them up. Stay away from my babies, Bay, you don’t see me remaking Con-fucking-Air, do ya?

* Hear ANYTHING about those fucking Twilight movies. What’s that? The sun makes you glisten and sparkle like a crystalline angel? Fuck off. You’re not a vampire. You’re a kaleidoscope with an Emo soundtrack. True Blood has proper vampires, y’know ones that burst into flame when the sun hits them, and it has gore and sweet, sweet Anna Paquin titty.

So, you see where I’m going with this? What would you rather cop a broken bottle in the face than?

Also, suggestions for the next horrendous act of physical violence are welcome. If we pick your idea you’ll get to see it come to gruesome life courtesy of our special effects wizards.**

Clawsome: Making your sick little fantasies come to life.

Righto, that’s it. Move on.

* … yet.

**Not actual wizards